01 Jul ‘Maybe this is what depression feels like’
I haven’t been formally or scientifically diagnosed with depression or any mental illness of any kind but I spend everyday evaluating myself and how I am, and to me, maybe this is what depression feels like.
It’s as if something forces me into isolation. Like the laughter stops just for you whilst everyone else, no matter their own demons, keeps laughing. Maybe even laughing at you.
Mirror’s don’t laugh though. They stare blankly back at you as any form of emotion remains far away from your face.
It’s just nothing.
It sounds bleak and dark because it is.
When nothing stimulates you or makes you happy, you feel worthless and not useful at all.
You then want to not burden anyone by telling them how you feel so you just stay quiet. I’m always talking but I’m very quiet.
Sometimes people see through fake smiles but often times they don’t even want to look. It’s easier if people just assume you are okay.
It’s difficult to try and express how you feel when you don’t even know yourself. There isn’t a real reason to be sad, it’s just that there’s not a whole lot going on inside you.
Maybe it isn’t depression I’m feeling.
Perhaps it’s just a bad day, we all have those.
My bad days are just becoming more frequent.
It’s interesting though because it is functional. I find myself burdened slightly but I’m still able to smile.
I cherish yet repel my moments alone and while the thought of self harm hasn’t been a thought for me for a very long time, the pain of a throbbing head, aching heart and empty stomach are sometimes their own remedies.
I don’t know if I have depression and I don’t really know why I’m sad.