24 Sep I’d Regret The Things I’d Say If I Said This To You
I’d regret the things I’d say if I said this to you
Instead, I will do only what I know how.
First and foremost, I hope this finds you well.
When you found me, I wasn’t too well.
Having just graduated school, I was as lost as any 18 year old boy trying to learn how to be like his father.
I was a smoker at the time. My passion for life was and is expressed through my voice, through air in my lungs. When we met I used burn myself at the root of my powers, I think so that I had something to blame if I wasn’t good enough.
I did the same with drinking.
I do the same with drinking.
It evolves from a celebratory activity to apart of the daily routine very quickly, almost as if alcohol was a possessive girlfriend.
We rushed things didn’t we. We can agree on that.
A year and a half felt like 3, because you felt insecure about yourself so you always wanted to hang out with me.
Too much time together pushed us further apart and you started putting doubts in me.
Started pushing boundaries, you used to look at me with love but you started to scowl at me and now I find myself overthinking whilst I’m sat on my balcony.
Amidst all the honesty in the times that I’ve cried to you, I realised something.
I lied to you.
I never kissed that girl but you think I did, the one with the pretty name.
I never tried to do anything with the other British girl after that night in 2016.
I promise you, I didn’t mean those things I said when I had to scream for you to listen
I am sorry if being with me made you feel you weren’t free
And I never truly apologised for not being the one you need.
A couple of months ago, you and I spent a night at my mum’s house in Montville.
The absence of noise from the mountains matched the screaming in my head that had finally ceased as I felt content again.
I felt like we were going to start back up our conversations about getting married on the Spanish Steps in Italy
I started to write poems that didn’t mean shit to me, because I can only write when in pain and I felt that pain distancing,
Now you think I can just turn off the part of me that wants to hold you till I’m dead
All because it would make you feel better
Because if I seem okay, then you will feel more justified in your decision
‘Like phew, Sam’s okay, yes this was the right move’
But you’re lying to yourself and to me and you don’t know who you’re talking too.
She said I needed fixing
She said I needed to get a job
I work for a theatre company now and it’s something I really love
She said I needed to stop drinking, I went sober for 3 months
She said ‘this still can’t work’
I said ‘What the fuck do you want?’
Everyone else chokes you
I am clearly the remedy
The way it feels when you kiss
Makes me think you lied when you said to me
That ‘I don’t need you anymore Sam, I just want you to be a friend to me…’
I’m so exhausted
Heartache’s been tattooed on me all year and no matter how hard I scrape my skin, I cannot dig deep enough to scratch myself out of this grave that I’ve been sleeping in.
Everything’s changing at once and I’m still as fucked up as I was back when I was in my mum’s stomach, I was born with a disease in which I break every promise
I’ve been sick for 20 years and there’s nothing the doctors can do to stop it.
All I know is, I’d regret the things I’d say if I said this to you.
Instead, I will do only what I know how
I will continue to love,
I will fail as we all do,
I will drink till I’m drunk
I’ll probably say yes if I’m offered any drugs,
I will not let my inadequacy for you affect me as I move on.